the bonds of womanhood

I received an email today. It is one that I have received many times before, but it never ceases to make me giggle. So in the interest in sharing a giggle, I am going to post it here for you :)

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor
and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the
first paragraph. PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best web
mail-award-winning letter.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or
Dry-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing,
and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white
shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos
on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the
curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right
now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my
body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.
Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene
Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens
during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's
a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought
the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill
just because he told her he
thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir,
you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal
maniacs in Capri pants.. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside
my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed
on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you
fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible
during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M
freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have
to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just
so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and
a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull
your head out, man! If you just have to Slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there
will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will
not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a
promise I will keep. Always.


Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX



Well, there you have it. I couldn't have said it better myself. A friend of mine sent this to me last year, with the heading "I read this, and thought of you. It sounded like something you would have said". And, that made me smile! To think that my style of writing and my sense of humor is that recognizable, is flattering!

But it's not just that that makes me giggle with this. It makes me realize that I am not alone. That every month when I am writhing in uncomfort, cursing my ovaries, and loathing the fact that I lack a penis; that I am in good company. We may not be comfortable, but we have the solice in knowing that I am not the only one suffering through this. Nor will I be the last. I know that I am not the only one who would like to weild a shovel and attack all those who never experience this (such as the brilliant mind behind the "have a happy period" comment...what kind of sick, sadistic, freak could ever even think that is remotely close to possible!??!!?) I admit, I am lucky enough to not really suffer through pms. I don't get cramps or get moody. I occasionally get a slightly oily face, and I crave chocolate like there's no tomorrow! But otherwise it just sort of sneaks up on me. That isn't saying that I don't despise this time of the month. Who can enjoy having "all of that" going on "down there"?
There are a few moments in life where you are lucky enough to escape the monthly visitor. I experienced such bliss while I was pregnant. I had a whole new slew of jolly good bodily functions to deal with, but I was free of "aunt flo" for a few splendid months! But don't get too used to it, ladies....for it comes back, and it's been on break for a few months, and it comes back with a VENGEANCE! And then there is "the change" that we all will go through later in life. And those women may be free of "aunt flo", but they have a whole new battle to fight. And they don't come equipped with the little F-16's in their pants to help them fight!
So ladies, though it may suck to high heaven, take solice in knowing that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. At any given moment, we have our very own army of women who are suffering just as much as we are, and fed up with the visitor who is never invited, and always overstays it's welcome. Take solice in knowing that if you ever need an army of shovel weilding maniacs, look no further than your local maxi-pad/tampon aisle. Because there you will find women who share tight bonds of womanhood, women who are temporarily insane, women who are armed and ready to go out in a blaze of glory...women who are ready to singlehandedly take down the insensitive asshole who penned the "have a happy period" crock of sh*t tagline.
So there you go....you are not alone.