Ache

Hearts are in our bodies to supply us with blood. Are we all in agreement? And emotions exist merely in the confines of our brains. So explain to me this... why is it that your heart physically hurts when your feelings get smashed? It's some weird phenomenon, and I'm not a fan! 

Having smashed feelings to deal with is hard enough without the actual hurt to deal with, too. 

I have some experience with this. My heart has broken over and over again over the last few months. It was good and solid for many years, and then all hell broke loose, and the poor little thing has been sitting there, in shards, for months. Having a shardy heart is probably not healthy, nor is it comfortable. But it just seems to be one thing after another, and my poor little thub-dubber is just taking a big shit kicking. I know that one day it will resume thumping in it's proper form, but for now I am just trying to get used to having a shattered aortic pump in my chest. It's not the easiest thing to do, as getting it back to its proper form is going to take an insane amount of work on my part. But I guess you gotta do what has to be done. 

So for now, I will live with my shardy heart, and wish for the day that it puts itself back together. Besides, nobody ever died from a broken heart, right? Intolerable pain or not, I will survive. 

xoxo

Missing...

Don't panic.. I'm not lost, nor have I lost anything. I mean missing, as in missing someone, or something. And now that we have that straightened out.. I will carry on.

At any given moment, someone misses something or someone. You might miss your old school, or a friend, or a pair of really comfortable jeans, or a pet, etc. It can be a good feeling as you recall the memories that brought you to the missing, but then the ick sets in. Missing someone is horrid. You want them beside you, to talk to them, to hear their laugh, to hug them.. but you can't. Miles may be between you, or an uncrossable gap. Whatever it is that separates you, you can feel it with every fiber of your being. 

At this minute in time, I miss several people. And I miss each of them differently. It makes my heart ache. But how do you make it stop? I guess it just takes time to get from the missing, to the reminiscing. All I know is I can't wait til I get there... because the gut wrenching pain has got to stop. 

xoxo

Weightless

The lyrics to Weightless by All Time Low. This song just totally clicked for me. Sometimes life gets really messed up.... and I love it when something is able to pull me out of my own head and helps me to see. 

Manage me, I'm a mess

Turn a page, I'm a book half unread
I wanna be laughed at, laughed with just because
I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough

But I'm stuck in this fucking rut, 
Waiting on a second hand pick me up
And I'm over getting older
If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction to everything I fear
'Cause I've been going crazy
I don't want to waste another minute here

Make believe that I impress
That every word by design turns a head
I wanna feel reckless, wanna live it up just because (just because)
I wanna feel weightless 'cause that would be enough

If I could just find the time then I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction to everything I fear
'Cause I've been going crazy
I don't want to waste another minute here

This could be all that I've waited for (I've waited, I've waited for)
And this could be everything, I don't wanna dream anymore

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I've been going crazy, I'm stuck in here (I'm stuck in here)

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year (it's gonna be my year)
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere (go nowhere)
And this is my reaction to everything I fear (everything I fear)
'Cause I've been going crazy
I don't want to waste another minute here

Mass confusion

Sometimes people can say sentences to you that may make total sense to them, but they completely blow your mind and throw you into a state of total and complete confusion. Hello. I'm Jennie, and I'll be your tour guide on this crazy uncertain ride. 

It doesn't usually take much to confuse someone who is already leaning on the blurry side of certainty. I seem to be residing in the blur lately, so saying anything but "hi" and "bye" to me is sure to throw me into some sort of grey matter melting tail spin. I am not sure what the boiling point of brain is, but I assure you that I am darn close to it! 

I spend minutes, hours, days and weeks rehashing confusing points, and I'm pretty sure my brain is close to packing in and leaving me alone with my thoughts. I have flashes of brilliance that make me feel like I can just leave well enough alone, and carry on... but then there are those moments where it is all I can focus on, and I begin to feel crazy. I am borderline crazy to begin with, so giving me an extra boost is not a good thing. 

I know that one day I will wake up and everything will make sense; my lightbulb will go on; the sun will shine again. But until then, I will over-evaluate everything, melting my brain, and stumbling around like some unstoppable buffoon looking for the light switch. But at least I know that the light switch is there... somewhere. 

xoxo

Good bye

Good bye. That almost seems like a contradiction of terms, doesn't it? Good. Bye. What is good about bye? So rarely do we really want to say bye, and yet we still put "good" in front of it. Why? There is nothing good about watching someone you care about walk away from you. There is nothing good about the gut-wrenching pain you feel when you realize that they are gone. There is nothing good about missing someone and wanting them back, only to realize that that is not possible. 

There is nothing good about bye. So why call it good? Why not call it sad bye? Or bummer bye? Or, please don't leave me because I truly don't want to be without you bye. 

There is just nothing good about bye. Unless maybe you are bidding farewell to winter. Then it's good in every way possible. 

xoxo

Hatred

Defined as: intense dislike or ill will. It is probably the most volatile emotion there is known to man. And it isn't something that happens overnight. And yet, so many are so quick to use it to describe something. 

For instance; I hate eggs, seafood, snow, cold weather, snobby rude people, death...etc. And yet when I look at those things, I realize that I really only dislike them, as hate my be too strong a word. It isn't something to be taken lightly, as hate can very rarely be undone. 

I believe that true hatred has to be worked for, you have to really truly despise something, for a great time, before you truly hate it. And yet here I sit, fully aware that there is at least one person out in the world who hates me... honest to God hates me. And that is a really weird feeling. I am sure there is more than just one, but right now as I type this, only one comes to mind. And I know this person hates me for their own reasons, and they may make sense to them, but to me, it seems ludicrous and unjust. 

I will be the first to admit when I'm wrong, and take full responsibility for anything I do. But at this time, I see nothing wrong, or any reason for someone to loathe me. And yet, I'm fairly certain if we lived closer, my life would be at risk (not really, but you get my point.) And that's a really unsettling feeling. 

So what do you do? Do you go away and hope the hatred fades with years? Or do you carry on about your business and keep on doing what you're doing? I'm at an impasse, as I'm not sure which road to take. All I know is right now, if I lived closer, someone's brand new truck might get keyed... or at the very least, egged. I may always admit when I'm wrong, but I have to do something wrong first, right ;) Never said I was a bigger person... I just know when to pick my battles. 

what??

Do you ever get the feeling that you are standing in a room, and everything is just as it should be. And then someone walks up behind you and starts spinning you around and around. You are twisting quickly, trying to keep the chunks from escaping your mouth, but you know it's only a matter of time before someone gets splashed.
Then you stop spinning and you survey the damage. Black is now white. Up is now down. Everything you seemed to know is now completely different. And that person, the one person who was always stable is now an imposter; a sheep in wolfs clothing. Nothing is as it should be, and you never know if it will again.
Well.... Welcome to my world!
I've been spinning for quite some time now, and am just noticing that the spinning is starting to slow and my surroundings are becoming clearer. Problem is, what do you do when everything you knew as your surroundings are no longer familiar? Hmm.... Conundrum!
So, while the spinning is slowing,I'm trying to get my bearings. But I have a sinking suspicion that nothing will ever be the same again.
But that's just life, right?
Xoxo