Weightless

The lyrics to Weightless by All Time Low. This song just totally clicked for me. Sometimes life gets really messed up.... and I love it when something is able to pull me out of my own head and helps me to see. 

Manage me, I'm a mess

Turn a page, I'm a book half unread
I wanna be laughed at, laughed with just because
I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough

But I'm stuck in this fucking rut, 
Waiting on a second hand pick me up
And I'm over getting older
If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction to everything I fear
'Cause I've been going crazy
I don't want to waste another minute here

Make believe that I impress
That every word by design turns a head
I wanna feel reckless, wanna live it up just because (just because)
I wanna feel weightless 'cause that would be enough

If I could just find the time then I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction to everything I fear
'Cause I've been going crazy
I don't want to waste another minute here

This could be all that I've waited for (I've waited, I've waited for)
And this could be everything, I don't wanna dream anymore

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I've been going crazy, I'm stuck in here (I'm stuck in here)

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year (it's gonna be my year)
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere (go nowhere)
And this is my reaction to everything I fear (everything I fear)
'Cause I've been going crazy
I don't want to waste another minute here

Mass confusion

Sometimes people can say sentences to you that may make total sense to them, but they completely blow your mind and throw you into a state of total and complete confusion. Hello. I'm Jennie, and I'll be your tour guide on this crazy uncertain ride. 

It doesn't usually take much to confuse someone who is already leaning on the blurry side of certainty. I seem to be residing in the blur lately, so saying anything but "hi" and "bye" to me is sure to throw me into some sort of grey matter melting tail spin. I am not sure what the boiling point of brain is, but I assure you that I am darn close to it! 

I spend minutes, hours, days and weeks rehashing confusing points, and I'm pretty sure my brain is close to packing in and leaving me alone with my thoughts. I have flashes of brilliance that make me feel like I can just leave well enough alone, and carry on... but then there are those moments where it is all I can focus on, and I begin to feel crazy. I am borderline crazy to begin with, so giving me an extra boost is not a good thing. 

I know that one day I will wake up and everything will make sense; my lightbulb will go on; the sun will shine again. But until then, I will over-evaluate everything, melting my brain, and stumbling around like some unstoppable buffoon looking for the light switch. But at least I know that the light switch is there... somewhere. 

xoxo

Good bye

Good bye. That almost seems like a contradiction of terms, doesn't it? Good. Bye. What is good about bye? So rarely do we really want to say bye, and yet we still put "good" in front of it. Why? There is nothing good about watching someone you care about walk away from you. There is nothing good about the gut-wrenching pain you feel when you realize that they are gone. There is nothing good about missing someone and wanting them back, only to realize that that is not possible. 

There is nothing good about bye. So why call it good? Why not call it sad bye? Or bummer bye? Or, please don't leave me because I truly don't want to be without you bye. 

There is just nothing good about bye. Unless maybe you are bidding farewell to winter. Then it's good in every way possible. 

xoxo

Hatred

Defined as: intense dislike or ill will. It is probably the most volatile emotion there is known to man. And it isn't something that happens overnight. And yet, so many are so quick to use it to describe something. 

For instance; I hate eggs, seafood, snow, cold weather, snobby rude people, death...etc. And yet when I look at those things, I realize that I really only dislike them, as hate my be too strong a word. It isn't something to be taken lightly, as hate can very rarely be undone. 

I believe that true hatred has to be worked for, you have to really truly despise something, for a great time, before you truly hate it. And yet here I sit, fully aware that there is at least one person out in the world who hates me... honest to God hates me. And that is a really weird feeling. I am sure there is more than just one, but right now as I type this, only one comes to mind. And I know this person hates me for their own reasons, and they may make sense to them, but to me, it seems ludicrous and unjust. 

I will be the first to admit when I'm wrong, and take full responsibility for anything I do. But at this time, I see nothing wrong, or any reason for someone to loathe me. And yet, I'm fairly certain if we lived closer, my life would be at risk (not really, but you get my point.) And that's a really unsettling feeling. 

So what do you do? Do you go away and hope the hatred fades with years? Or do you carry on about your business and keep on doing what you're doing? I'm at an impasse, as I'm not sure which road to take. All I know is right now, if I lived closer, someone's brand new truck might get keyed... or at the very least, egged. I may always admit when I'm wrong, but I have to do something wrong first, right ;) Never said I was a bigger person... I just know when to pick my battles. 

what??

Do you ever get the feeling that you are standing in a room, and everything is just as it should be. And then someone walks up behind you and starts spinning you around and around. You are twisting quickly, trying to keep the chunks from escaping your mouth, but you know it's only a matter of time before someone gets splashed.
Then you stop spinning and you survey the damage. Black is now white. Up is now down. Everything you seemed to know is now completely different. And that person, the one person who was always stable is now an imposter; a sheep in wolfs clothing. Nothing is as it should be, and you never know if it will again.
Well.... Welcome to my world!
I've been spinning for quite some time now, and am just noticing that the spinning is starting to slow and my surroundings are becoming clearer. Problem is, what do you do when everything you knew as your surroundings are no longer familiar? Hmm.... Conundrum!
So, while the spinning is slowing,I'm trying to get my bearings. But I have a sinking suspicion that nothing will ever be the same again.
But that's just life, right?
Xoxo

A Fine Line

Have you ever noticed just how many "fine lines" there are in this universe? And for as many as there are, there are even more people who will tell you about them. Gotta love people who have noses like Pinochio and love to shove it where it shouldn't be. But that is a rant for another time. 

Today we are focusing on lines. They are everywhere you look. It is the "fine lines" that need a bit closer inspection to be properly seen. It exists between being forceful or aggressive; being strong or bitchy; being opinionated or obnoxious; being happy or drugged; being definitive or psychotic; being bummed or clinically depressed..... And the list continues. 

People are always quick to point out the "fine line" that exists when two people of the opposite sex are friends. And those people can bite me. For as long as I can remember, I've been friends with boys. I always found girls to be harder to befriend, for many reasons. And as I've grown older, I've noticed that nothing has changed in that department. I have a few girl friends whom I adore, but I rarely attempt at adding more to the roster. Why rock the boat? So if I were to sit down and calculate it, the boys would still come out on top in the numbers. And I'm perfectly fine with that. I enjoy sports and belching.. so it works out nicely.

But there will always be one or two (or several in my case) women who just don't approve of the co-ed friendship situation. And that just beyond drives me nuts. Come on people! Just cuz the equipment would work well together, doesn't mean I'm gonna test drive it. 

I am wondering who drew these lines, and just how permanent they are. Cuz I'm aching to find myself a big fat eraser, and maybe move a few of them just a teensy bit to the left. And no, I'm not talking about that line.... Get your head out of the gutter ;)

xoxo

oh come on!

I am one of those very strangely anal people about my yard. Every spring, I fertilize. Every fall, I fertilize. Every summer, I weed and water and mow and pluck and fuss over the appearance of the green stuff. So you can imagine my chagrin to find dead spots. YES! Dead little patches in my otherwise green lawn. 

I could blame the meandering dog that has been mysteriously leaving dead patches on my neighbors lawns, but unfortunately I have no one to blame but myself in this case. I bought some weed killer this weekend, after carefully reading the back label to ensure it won't kill the grass, only the unsightly yellow "flowers". So I went out on Sunday night, armed with the weed poison, and sprayed the hell out of them. Pleased with myself, I came inside and went to sleep. The bottle ensured that the weeds would be controlled in just 1-2 days. So I closed my eyes and drifted off into a blissful slumber, well aware that the little beastly weeds would be out of my life, and lawn, in a short time. 

I awoke the next morning with a smile on my face that could only have been placed there by the 'green lawn fairies'. I went about my business, pleased with the idea of the poison killing as I did the dishes. Talk about multi-tasking! I glanced in my backyard later, and was puzzled at what I saw. Only the left half of my yard had drooping weeds, and the other half was still all bright and perky. Odd. I shrugged it off and hoped that the rest would soon succumb to their inevitable death. 

I took my son to school on Tuesday morning, and gasped at the sight that awaited me in my front yard. Apparently over the course of Monday, the weed killer hit it's full stride, and ended the life of the weeds in my front yard..... along with the grass that surrounded it! NOT HAPPY! I have little dead circles in my grass! These unsightly little spots are wearing on my brain, and creating stress that I'd rather not have. And I mean, come on! I read the bottle! It said it would kill all weeds... and it mentioned nothing about taking your lawn with them! 

So using the Scotts Turf Builder, I guess, was just a moot point, as I ended up killing little patches with Scotts weed killer. Talk about ironic irony. 

xoxo