Invisible

Have you ever stood in a room full of people and thought "if I left right now, would anyone even notice?" Ya well, welcome to every day of my life. 

I know people love me, I know because they tell me. But it would mean so much more to me if I saw it. Seeing is believing, and believe me, I don't see. 

I am the voice in the crowd that noone hears. I am the opinion that counts for nothing. I am the person who is easy to forget, but always there when needed. 

My heart is in a constant state of brokeness, and I am unsure if I even have the tools to fix it. 

I am invisible, but always in sight. And that makes me sadder than I could ever begin to explain. 

Fall

The season is changing right before my very eyes. The grass is slowly turning from deep green into more of a putrid brownish color. The leaves are going from thick masses of green, into a more golden hue. And as they go golden, they fall to the ground. And from there, they rot and begin to stink. Oh yes, the joys of fall. 

Not only do we get to deal with the rotting remains of our beautiful summer landscape, but we also get to deal with the dropping in temperature. That may be the worst thing of all. Slowly, peoples pants are getting longer, shoes are covering perfectly manicured toes, socks are dug out of their dusty drawers, and sweaters/hoodies are making their comeback. 

Personally, I, never really rid myself of my hoodies. I adore them and wear them all year long. I love them so much, I would suffer through a hot day, sweating off 20 pounds of water weight, just to keep my favorite hoodie on my body. Yes, I am a crazy die hard nut. 

Now they are more of a necessity than a fashion statement. If I could, I would wear my shorts, flip flops and tanks with hoodies all year long. I need to find a place on earth that would allow me to do this! Because living in this area, shorts are only suitable attire for maybe 3-4 months out of the year. 

Fall is on its way, and it is taking no prisoners! The temperature has dropped drastically in the last few weeks. Today, I spent the day with my fireplace on, dressed in thick sweatpants, snuggled on the couch, reading a book and drinking hot chocolate. It was a wonderful way to spend the day, yes. But I would prefer some heat from an outside source! 

The leaves are changing, the grass is dying, the air is cold, and the nights are freezing. Carcasses remain where flowers used to bloom, and there is a definite smell in the air that can only mean one thing....summer is gone. And that makes me sad. 

adventures in quading - part deux

I went quading, again, today. Tom and I decided to give it another go, and we took off and left the boys at home with a sitter. Tom had my  brother Josh's honda racer, and I had my brother Nathaniels Arctic Cat 4x4. Everything was peachy keen...Tom did an oil change on Artie, loaded it on the trailer and we were off.

We got to Big "Mountain", unloaded, and freaking Artie wouldn't stay running on idle. There was blue smoke EVERYWHERE and it smelled like burning ass. Whatever...I was there to have fun! We got geared up, decided to hook up with the random strangers we met in the parking lot, and were on our way. Me and Artie were clicking - and hitting the trail like we had something to prove (and after Monday, I felt I DID have something to prove). I was flying through the puddles, and careening through the huge dips. I didn't get stuck once, I am proud to admit! I had to rock it a few times, and was jumping on the foot pegs to get traction once or twice...but that thing didn't stop once.....until it died. 

Yes, that is right...it died. It suffered a long and painful death, followed by a severe boot f*cking by yours truly. I was going through a dip, with water shallow enough that it didn't even soggy up my feet, and the thing stalled out. Or to be more accurate, it coughed and sputtered itself into a coma. There was noooo re-starting it, so we sat. Tom ripped the thing apart, trying to get it working for me again. He had the air cleaner off, the carb tore apart, and the spark plug out...nothing was helping. So, after 45 minutes of begrudgingly trying to bring the little sucker back to life, we all decided that it was no use, and we pushed it into the bush. 

We left the little bitch to wallow in it's own self pity, and carried on our way. I was now riding b*tch with Shar, on the back of her Outlander. We had a blast! We rode for almost 5 hours, today...and we didn't get stuck! Actually that's not true...we sort of slid into a huge rut (somewhat reminiscent of Monday - shudder)...but we were getting it out. I was literally hanging, like a chimpanzee, off the right side of it while she was using the throttle, and we were getting it back to level. But I guess Danny is a little high-strung, and he came over and took over. So that was the only mishap we had all day. 

We got back to the parking lot, parked the Honda, and Tom rode b*tch with Danny back to Artie. 10 minutes and we were back to his pathetic resting place in the wilderness. (yes, I said 10 minutes!) We dragged his sorry ass out of the bushes, hooked him up to Danny's winch, and dragged his pathetic sack of bolts back. It took a while, as he was holding Danny up in the huge ruts. At one point, Tom was hooked to Danny, and Danny was hooked to Tory. It was quite the spectacle. 

We got the POS loaded back onto the trailer, and headed for the river to de-mud before loading. Ya, we got soaked...lots of splashing and squealing...but it was fun!! 

And now, here I sit, cold and muddy, and hoping that one day I will make it through the trails all by myself. Make it through with the same quad as I started with, make it through without endangering anyones life (but maybe my own...cuz that's fun!), and make it through without another story to tell about a beast-from-hell that let me down! But until I can afford my own Can-Am, I guess I am stuck with the story telling :)

one of those days...

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you are unraveling at an alarming rate? Welcome to my world....today was just one of those days! 

It started off okay, except I had the strangest urge to burst into tears, all day long! Why? No clue (and no, it isn't "that time of the month") I sat around, read and drank over-steeped tea this morning. Then I had the sudden urge to attend my 10 year high school reunion (something I swore I was going to avoid like the plague). So I had to run out this afternoon and mail off the cheque for my tickets. It had to be postmarked no later than the 4th, which apparently is today. So off I went, and while I was out, I decided to pick up a few things at hell (aka. Walmart) 

I was on my way, and stopped at a red light. Apparently my nose was sticking out a bit, because this douche in a large truck drove by me, and I saw him mouth the words "what the f*ck", so in carrying on with my happy day, I flipped him off with both hands, and screamed out the window. Yes, road rage is just something you acquire while living in GP. By this point, my heart was mushy, and the tears started rolling down my cheeks. But I stopped them right away...no way was I letting some orangoutang with a license make me cry. So into hell we went....

I was able to get everything I needed with little hassle...and the boys even listened, which was a nice surprise. 

I left hell and headed for a much nicer place (aka. Starbucks) I was hoping that a jolt of caffiene would kill my urge to bawl. Although my grande light java chip frappucino was delicious, it didn't help (and pieces of the chip stuck in my teeth, which didn't make things any better!) From there, we headed home, making a quick stop at Safeway. I got what I needed (sans basket or cart), and had it all heaped on myself. I dropped it on one of those self-checkout tables, and started scanning. Everything was going good, and I was talking to one of my friends, who was making me laugh. Then it happened....the f-ing machine wouldn't accept my $20. I mumbled, "don't cross me, you stupid machine" and asked my friend if he'd bail me out of jail after I get arrested for beating the dumb money sucker to death with a tube of pepperoni. He laughed, I laughed, and the boys thought it was hysterical every time the money popped back out of the slot. The fact that they were laughing so hard may be the very thing that saved me from committing money-sucker homicide! So I suppose it was a good thing they find humor in the smallest things....kids ARE good for something, after all!! I'm kidding...I love them like crazy. (which is a good thing, seeing as I am rather crazy!) 

So here I sit, typing out my day, and realizing that there really was no reason to cry. Maybe I just need a good nights sleep, perhaps I am coming down with a cold and am not 100%. Or maybe I just need to chug a bottle of malibu and let the good times roll!!!! xoxo

puddles are just little tiny death traps

Yesterday was our first family quading adventure. A friend of our lent us his Mule (which I believe is actually a creation from the devil himself...you will see why...) and Tom borrowed my babiest brothers Honda racing quad. We got all loaded up and hauled up to Big Mountain, which is not actually a mountain, but really just a large hill, or pack of hills all put together, with a "river" running through the middle of it. We got the quads and devil-beast unloaded, got all geared up in paintball attire (as to keep ourselves dryer than if we had just worn sweats and stuff). I buckled the boys in the passenger seat of the mule, and we headed off on the trails. 

The first part of the ride was good. The boys laughed with glee as I sloshed through the puddles, splashing muddy water all about. They laughed as they watched their Uncle Danny get his Outlander STUCK in a puddle, and giggled when he rocked the quad and managed to submerge himself in a man-made tidlewave of muddy water. I should mention, this was literally 5 minutes into the ride, and Danny was SOAKED. 

We carried on our way, and came up to the "river". It was so shallow, the water didn't even come over the tires of the mule. We got parked and waited for everyone to cross. When we came upon the river, we ran into more friends of ours, and they decided to bring their Jeep YJ's down the trails with us. So now here we were, Me, Zack and Jesse on the mule...Tom, Danny, Shar, Tory and Frank on their quads, and then we had 4 people in 2 Jeeps...we were ready to rock! 

We were clipping along, all having a good time, and we came upon this puddle. There was A LOT of water in it. There was a really mucky path to the left of it, and a very dry and smooth path to the right of it. I was instructed, by 2 people, to STAY TO THE LEFT, it is very deep! I questioned the right path, and was again instructed to stay left. So I listened to them, as they were already on the other side. I started off fine, but the mule is a lot wider than their quads, it hit a rut and sucked us into the puddle-abyss. Of course the passenger side is what went in first...where my 2 boys are buckled in! Zack's arm dunked into the water, and they were at this point SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER. I fully understand, it was rather scary! Tom, Danny and Tory were across the puddle, watching this take place, and everyone else was behind me. I hurled myself out of the mule, and got to the other side (I still have no idea which way I went, as I can't actually remember that part) I was standing in the puddle, waist deep in dark murky muddy water, while my kids were both crying hysterically. I was holding the mule up with my left hand, and stabilizing my kids with my right. The wheels were off of the ground on the drivers side, and the whole right side of the mule was submerged. I managed to get the boys unbuckled, and handed them off to the people behind me (they all ran up behind me at some point, but I can't remember that, either). I kept a firm grip on the roll cage, as that was keeping it from dumping even more into the water. I got both  boys safely out, and Frank grabbed my arm and helped me out of the abyss. Tom was, at that point, in the mule trying to crank it over, to no avail. We had the Jeep behind us, and they hooked up a tow rope. Tom was in the drivers seat, Danny, Frank and Tory were standing on the drivers side (and that is what it took to level that sucker out!) The Jeep was spinning its tires, sliding all over the trail trying to free the demon-beast from the man-made lake/puddle. Finally, after the third try, it was freed. I can't honestly remember what happened after that...I think someone drove it around the right side path (the one I had intended on taking, but was told otherwise) and we got back to it. Zack was now riding with Shar, and Jesse was petrified, and crying, and riding with me. 

We carried on for a while, a bit slower and more cautious, everyone riding with me in their sites, and we came to a very steep hill. I threw the beast in low and motored on. Halfway up the embankment, the crap-can stalled out. I had my foot on the brake so hard, I believed it was about to punch through the floor. I yelled back at Tom and he came running up beside me. The beast from hell had to be turned over with a screwdriver...yes, it is a fine piece of machinery. So Tom ran up and started it up for me, and then told me I had to two-foot drive it up. I slid my horribly muddy foot to the right on the pedal, so my left foot could brake while the right foot accelerated. We made it up the hill, but by this point, Jesse was hysterical. We finished the trail and came to a cut line. We all breaked for a well-deserved drink and mini-chocolate bars. There was no cohersing Jesse back to the trail, so Tom, Zack, Jes and I motored off down the cut line, back to the parking lot. We made it down the "mountain" safely, but I had to avoid all puddles, as even the sight of them made Jesse and Zack go ballistic. We made it back to the parking lot, got the boys into their clean sweats, got them into the safety of their car seats, and they turned on their Nintendo DS's. They were finally happy. Tom and I peeled our nasty muddy clothes, and got into some dry stuff. It was that point that everyone else showed up, stating that it was a good thing we didn't try to carry on with the path, as the quads were getting stuck, and the mule would have been a goner! So I suppose Jesse saved us some heartache by being a rampaging lunatic! 

It was an okay day. Did I have fun? Sort of. Is it something I would do again? No. Would I do it with my own quad and no children? Hells ya! Because even though I was covered in mud, and really cold and uncomfortable, I enjoy quading! Just next time, I won't be riding with 2 screaming kids, nor will I be driving the spine-compactor from hell!!!!

times are changing

Times are changing in the Gordon household. The days are getting shorter, and the air is getting cooler. The nights are getting darker and longer, and morning is coming a little later than usual. The flowers are starting to wither, and the grass is getting ready to sleep. The color of the scape is turning from a wicked nice green, to more of a blah-ass yellow. Ah yes, it is beginning to look a lot like autumn! Damn-it. 

I am a summer girl, through and through. The hotter - the better!! I loved this past summer. My boys are both big enough that I can let them run around in the backyard with little, to no, supervision. And they played together soo good this year! We put a big-ass play center in our backyard this year, and the boys loved it. They had little adventures in the fort, played on the swings, screamed as the hot plastic burned their little asses on the way down the slide, and they nearly smashed out our fence while zooming on the glider. Yes, it was a good summer. 

We had a family reunion at our house this year. I got to see faces I haven't seen in years, some faces I've never met before, and faces that I see on a regular basis. It was great to have all of those people (nearly 30) in my 1300 sq ft house, in July, in the heat, without a/c! Actually, it wasn't that bad. I get energized by people, so having that many around was really good for my energy level. Also, we have a good sized back yard, fully equipped with the aforementioned play center, and a sand box, and an awesome inflatable bouncy thing. Plus, we bought some sweet-ass patio furniture just for the occasion. (okay, maybe not JUST for the occasion, as I was eyeing up patio stuff anyways, but this gave me an excuse to get it sooner than we may have otherwise!) 

The summer was good to me. It was good. Now it is leaving...and it seems it is not just leaving, but it is hauling ass out of here, with some sort of crazy vengeance! It was hoooot just a few measly weeks ago, and now it is not even hitting 20 degrees. I mean seriously, what the hell! I blame people who complain about the heat. Revel in it people, for it doesn't last long in this province! Enjoy the heat, welcome it, LOVE it, for the winter months last a hell of a lot longer in this are of the world. Winter is fine, whatever. I can't tell you how much I adore snow, and shoveling, and the three freaking hours it takes to get everyone ready to go out and brave the sub-zero temperatures. It rocks. And this year I have the necessary pleasure of braving the elements more frequently than I have in the past. 

See, my oldest son is starting kindergarten on Tuesday. That's right, my first baby will soon be a school-goer. It not only blows my mind, but also bums me fairly hard. He is growing up, and there is nothing I can do about it. Now I get all of the added stress of worrying about him while he is out of my grasp. I am sure he will be fine, and this will give me and my youngest some more bonding time (and potty training fighting time). Still, it's a shock to the system when they have a 'first' like this one. 

Times are changing.... The grass is dying (at least the parts that survived the dog poo and the buckets of sand dumped on it by my kids this summer), the air is chilling, kids are heading back to school (my baby being one of them this time), and yet in some strange way, everything is still the same. Funny how that happens......

today is June 9th.

Today is June 9th. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, my grass is green (in the spots that isn't still dead from the poo!) and my kids are running amok upstairs. Ah yes...the joys of summer!
My oldest son, Zack, has been waking up so early the last few weeks. He sees that it is light, which makes him believe it is time to arise. Ya right...it is light out at 5 am now! Perhaps I need to garbage bag his window....
My youngest son, Jesse, turned 3 on Saturday. I can't believe how fast it goes by! I still remember 3 years ago, being in my last week of pregnancy with him...the last 4 nights of counting contractions, the drive into the hospital to have him, all of the crap that went down to have him....*the doctor won't come in to do your epidural because he is too tired - he'll be in at 11 (it was 5 am at that point), getting my water broken, all of the poking and prodding, the non-stop exams to figure out why he was stuck, the discovery that his umbilical cord was wrapped around him, the split second decision to cut him out of me, the group of nurses quickly removing my jewelry and nail polish for my surgery, throwing up all over the nurse in the OR from that nasty little cup of crap they make you chug, having a panic attack because my spinal was up too high and I couldn't feel myself breathing, and then the wonderful moment where they laid him on my chest* Ah yes, still all so fresh in my memory!
Speaking of babies...my good friend had a little boy on the 4th! He is just so cute. I love fresh little babies! All the jerky movements, the gurggly noises, the toothless little mouths...SO CUTE! I do hope I will get the chance to spend more time with them before they move away this summer.
Speaking of summer....my cousin is going to be living with me for 2 months this summer! It should be fun - built in babysitter! Just kidding.... I haven't seen her in 2 years, so I am pretty excited. She's never played Wii, if you can believe that! I will have her addicted to it by August, I promise!
Speaking of August.....we will have lived in this house for 1 year in August. That hasn't happened since Jesse was still a baby. The longest we've lived in one place (since Jes was a year old) was, well, the 10 months we've lived in this place. How sad is that! And now there are talks to move us to Calgary. UGH! I should open my own U-haul :)
But I can't be too glib about things....after all, today is June 9th. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and god-willing, my grass will be green again one day :)