Love at first sight, and another universal dilemma

Someone recently asked me if I believed in 'love at first sight'. I immediately said no. No no no. I think I said no 6 or 7 times. Granted, I may not be the best person to ask about matters of the heart. I am slightly jaded and cynical, due in part to the state of my life at the moment. But back to the topic at hand.

Love at first sight. I want to say yes, I believe in it, because it gives a sense of whimsical perfection that everyone searches for. I want to say yes, but I just really don't think I can. And as far as my children go, I absolutely loved them the second I saw them. But they were a part of me for 9 months prior to our meeting, so I think that doesn't really count.

I believe in 'like at first sight'. I think it is a split second decision that your brain makes when you first see someone. You either like them, or you don't. It's easy, it's quick, and it's how I roll (as well as the rest of humanity). And I think after time, maybe like can turn to love. But I don't think love is something that you just immediately feel, you need to work for that emotion.

Infatuation can be easily mistaken as love, and I believe it is mistaken frequently. I remember being in school and thinking I was just completely head over heels for someone.. thinking I wanted to be with them forever, and I couldn't imagine life without them in it. And now as I'm sitting here, I know for a fact that it has been years and years since I have spoken to these boys, and I'm still alive. Imagine that. Infatuation... it'll get you every time.

Love is a tricky and finicky emotion. It can be all-consuming and irrevocable... but it is also fleeting. It can come and go, just like a common cold. And it really sucks. Falling for someone may be one of the greatest feelings on earth. Having the ground pulled out from under you, and the whole swarm of emotion... it's great. It's not so great when all of that stops, though.

And while I'm on the topic of love and emotions.. Soulmates. Another no-no. I think in a world with 5 billion people, the thought of soulmates is unrealistic. Some people believe that there is 1 perfect person for them out there. I believe that there may be 1 person out there who seems more right for you than anyone else, but I believe that everyone gets more than 1 person. Human beings are complex, and forever changing. So I believe that someone who might have been right for you 10 years ago may not be right for you now. I do believe, however, that when you find someone that you totally click with, and you have tons in common with, you should hold on tight. Because finding someone you can be yourself with, and who accepts you for who you are... I think that is the real happy ending.

Love at first sight.... Soulmates... Two universal dilemmas, and something that every person on earth has an opinion about. And now you know mine.

Is it really...

Is it really better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all? Age old question, and no one really has the answer. 

Some will say yes, because then you have your memories and the warm gooey feelings to keep you warm at night. But then what you also have is the horrid feeling of your heart being broken into unmanageable pieces. 

Some will say no, because then you never have the unmanageable pieces to put back together again. And regardless of how certain they are that this is the better route, I guarantee you that there will always be a glimmer of uncertainty... wondering if this really is the best way to go through life. 

I, however, am planted firmly in the grey area. I believe that both sides have good points, and agree with both of them. That doesn't make me flaky or soft, it makes me smarter than both of them. 

I agree with the yes people, because memories are wonderful. I agree with the no people, because broken hearts suck. 

Some broken hearts are unavoidable.. like losing a family member or close friend. And I don't mean misplacing them, I mean them being taken from you. Forever. That is something that is unavoidable, and also an instance where the memories and gooey feelings are positive. Those broken hearts never go away, but the people who broke them will always be with you. 

Broken hearts that come due to someone flitting in and out of your life... those are the ones I think I could live without. Why are there people that come into your life, shake it about, and then leave? Why do we need people who enter, only to say goodbye? There will always be people in your life who you are always meant to say goodbye to. But why? Why can't we avoid those broken hearts, because really, what are we learning from them? They won't stay with us forever, other than as a mistake in our minds. 

Maybe this makes me seem jaded. Maybe this makes me seem negative and cold. All I know is life would be much easier if we could just see into the future, and avoid all those people who hurt us, and leave us. And not the ones who impact you in a positive way, but the ones who flit in and out, and all they leave is a wake of hurt. 

Because in my mind, I would much rather hurt over people who loved me and then were taken from me. I really have no use for people who pretended to care, only to leave. There is a big difference between those who were taken, and those who chose to leave. Truth be told, I'd rather not hurt at all. But one thing is for certain, I really never want to hurt because someone chose to leave me. That is an intolerable pain that I could live the rest of my life without ever knowing. 

Loving and losing is much different than loving and leaving. 

But, that is just my opinion.

G-force

When I was a kid, I found out the hard way, that I get car sick. I have motion sickness that only affects me in vehicles though, as I can go on roller coasters and I'm fine. Throw me in the passenger seat of a vehicle though, and I'm struggling to keep down the chunks. For that reason, I tend to be the one behind the wheel. Some people see it as a power struggle, I however see it as a necessity. But enough about that, back to the roller coasters. 

They are fun, and I love them. There is one at West Edmonton Mall, the mindbender, that became a big part of my childhood. One time a bunch of friends and I went to the mall, and I rode that sucker 14 times in a row. My tummy wasn't very stoked with me after that, but it was too much fun to care. 

There are a few in Orlando, at Universal Studios, that were the best I've ever been on. Like I said, I love roller coasters. The funny thing they do to your tummy.. it's great. 

The funny thing.. That's called g-force. Not a lot of g's on roller coasters. Where you will find a lot of g's is in a fighter jet. My god, if I ever got the chance to go in one of those, I'd jump! That would be fun. I'd probably hurl everywhere, but it would be awesome regardless.  

2009 has been a giant roller coaster for me. And as much as I love when the g's make my tummy flip, I'm not a fan of what this year has done to my heart. Rides do funny things to my tummy, the roller coaster my life has become is doing funny things to my heart. And as much as I love rides, I'd like this one to be over. But that's the thing, you always know when the ride will end... you get off right where you got on. I, however, have no idea where this one is going to end. I can't see the end of the track, and I'm too buckled in to just jump off. So what do you do when every day is a battle with g-force, and every day is a struggle to keep the proverbial chunks down? 

I guess all you can do is stick it out, hope for the best, keep a clean shirt nearby, and try to enjoy the good parts of the track. Because no matter how dismal it seems, all rides have to end somewhere, right?

random writings

Sometimes little ditty's come to me, and I stick them in my phone. Here are 2 such examples... 

You

My heart breaks a little more with each new passing day.

If I could look into your eyes right now, there'd be so much to say. 

Like how you being in my life made me the person I'm meant to be. 

Or how everything about you brings out the very best in me.

You make me laugh and smile when all I want to do is cry.

And it comes so very easy to you as you barely need to try.

You and I fit together like a puzzle that's complete.

And I know I would miss you all the time even if we never got to meet. 

The distance between us is beginning to take its toll.

Because I know that, more than anything, you're a part of my heart and soul. 

I Don't Want To Miss You Anymore

I used to say I Miss You, 

Now all I can say is Why?

You said I'll Never Hurt You,

Now all you say is Bye. 

Where did it go so wrong,

Where did we lose it all?

With you, you're the one, 

Who could have made me fall. 

But now instead of smiles and joy,

My heart is breaking for a boy. 

A boy who stole my heart,

And then broke it in two. 

Now all I can manage, 

Now all I can do, 

Is remember how to live my life,

alone, and without you.

still waters

Imagine this, if you will... A lake, with the water so still you can almost see the bottom. It is calm and peaceful, and everything is as it should be. Some people throw rocks into the lake, causing little ripples, but eventually it becomes still once again. 

Then, as if out of nowhere, a boat appears, disrupting the water. And even though the lake was happy the way it was, it seemed natural and normal for the boat to be there. It was different, but it was a good different. 

A man casts a fishing rod into the lake. The surface is disrupted again, but it became a normal feeling to have the line cutting through the water, even if only for a second or two. 

A little fish, who is very happy in the lake, notices the hook on the fishing line, and is immediately drawn to it. It's new and different, and even though it may be a bad idea, the fish is so caught up with this new introduction to the lake that it goes for it before really considering the damage it could cause. The fish takes a bite, and before it realizes what is happening, it is being reeled in to a world it's never known. But the fish is fine, as in a weird way, it feels like this is what was supposed to happen. Like with that one bite, everything the fish was ever supposed to be was becoming a reality. 

The man reels in the fish, taking it into his hands. He seems pleased with his catch, and the fish was everything he had hoped for. It was strong and beautiful, and he felt like this was exactly the way things were supposed to go. He looked at the fish and smiled, and his heart swelled with joy at his new acquisition. 

Then something happened to the man; he had a sudden change of heart. And even though he knew in his heart that this fish would make him happy, and that he may have just found the fish that was perfect for him, he decided it wasn't right. He decided that the cold fish he had at home would have to suffice, and threw the perfect fish he had spent all that time reeling in, back into the lake. 

The man turned his boat around, and headed back for the shore. And even though the fish was back in its home, the lake was never the same again. For once the fish caught a glimpse of the way it believed things were supposed to be, nothing would ever feel right again until that life became a reality. The lake had been permanently disrupted and changed. And even though it looked the same, it was still sparkly and beautiful, there was a turmoil under the surface that no one could see. A turmoil that changed the lake forever. 

The man came back to visit the lake every now and then, and would talk to the fish he knew was somewhere under the calm surface. He never threw a line in again, but knew if he ever did, the fish would probably be just as happy to see it as it was the first time. But maybe the next time, a little more caution would be used. 

For once you bite off more than you can chew, your world will never be the same again. There may be a turbulence deep down, that no one else can see. Because as long as the surface is calm and serene, no one believes that anything could be askew. But still waters run deep, and lakes can look very different on the bottom than on the surface. 

Ache

Hearts are in our bodies to supply us with blood. Are we all in agreement? And emotions exist merely in the confines of our brains. So explain to me this... why is it that your heart physically hurts when your feelings get smashed? It's some weird phenomenon, and I'm not a fan! 

Having smashed feelings to deal with is hard enough without the actual hurt to deal with, too. 

I have some experience with this. My heart has broken over and over again over the last few months. It was good and solid for many years, and then all hell broke loose, and the poor little thing has been sitting there, in shards, for months. Having a shardy heart is probably not healthy, nor is it comfortable. But it just seems to be one thing after another, and my poor little thub-dubber is just taking a big shit kicking. I know that one day it will resume thumping in it's proper form, but for now I am just trying to get used to having a shattered aortic pump in my chest. It's not the easiest thing to do, as getting it back to its proper form is going to take an insane amount of work on my part. But I guess you gotta do what has to be done. 

So for now, I will live with my shardy heart, and wish for the day that it puts itself back together. Besides, nobody ever died from a broken heart, right? Intolerable pain or not, I will survive. 

xoxo

Missing...

Don't panic.. I'm not lost, nor have I lost anything. I mean missing, as in missing someone, or something. And now that we have that straightened out.. I will carry on.

At any given moment, someone misses something or someone. You might miss your old school, or a friend, or a pair of really comfortable jeans, or a pet, etc. It can be a good feeling as you recall the memories that brought you to the missing, but then the ick sets in. Missing someone is horrid. You want them beside you, to talk to them, to hear their laugh, to hug them.. but you can't. Miles may be between you, or an uncrossable gap. Whatever it is that separates you, you can feel it with every fiber of your being. 

At this minute in time, I miss several people. And I miss each of them differently. It makes my heart ache. But how do you make it stop? I guess it just takes time to get from the missing, to the reminiscing. All I know is I can't wait til I get there... because the gut wrenching pain has got to stop. 

xoxo